As it is now!

I'm a  24 year old mother of 2, i'm a stay at home mum  of a 6yo boy and 10month old girl. When i'm not at home you can usually find me out club hopping with my friends grasping at whats left of my youth lol.

Thursday Oct 25 '07: This week has been challenging for me as my partner and I have discovered our son has Aspergers.I feel angry with myself thinking I've let him down .I will be writing more about it here "The apple does fall far from the autisum tree" 

Monday Oct 15 '07 : I have been dabbling working online for extra cash,doing surveys and such.Going well and hopefully soon I will be posting info to help others wade through the junk and gimmicks when it comes to earning online!

As it was!

I wish i could  write for days re-calling my childhood and how it has affected me in my life,unfortunately my teenage affection for marijuana and my bad habit of repressing things makes it terribly hard. The main thing I want to talk about  is my mothers suicide .

Some may think its a pretty personal thing and maybe shouldn't be shared so publicly, I disagree and feel that it adds to the shame surrounding  people who have lost a loved one through suicide.                                                         My mother had a beautiful soul.she had the most loving and caring nature and was always there for her friends of which she had many .Everyone who met my mother fell in love with her.She was bright,bubbley and easygoing.She was well known in our community and she would always greet everyone with a beautiful genuine smile. She also was a very affectionate and attentive mother to her three children.She was more then my mother she was my best friend. It seems  ridiculous that this women with such a beautiful spirit chose to douse her own flame.What most people didn't know was she had a mental illness called bi-polar or sometimes known as manic depression. 

 I didn't know my mother was sick untill the last years leading to her death.She could go from delliriously happy to crying in minutes.She was finding it hard to wake up in the mornings and i would often find her crying in bed and In the afternoons she started drinking wine and listening sad tunes.Sometimes I would go into her bedroom and read her scapbooks were she wrote  poetry .It had some happy enteries but most was about  death  and her abuse as a child. 

  Eventually the depression became too much for my mother and after major meltdown one weekend her friend helped her admit herself into the low security wing of the local mental hospital.I don't remember how long she was there,but it was a while.The visits to her were very hard,all the medication they had her on made her extreemly happy and so it seemed to her that everything was fine and peachy.One day when I was walking with her on the grounds she pointed to an old building and with a big smiled exclaimed"See that building? that was the old hospital i went there several times as a teen for trying to kill myself"  I was 14 years old.

  When she came home she seemed to be doing really well,our parents seperated but dad always came and visited and there were no hard feelings , except for the odd manic rant my mother almost seemed normal.This though was very short lived.Within months she was back to her old ways and started getting adominal pains which made it even worse ,it came to the point where her doctor would come to administer what i think to be morphine.She also had morphine tablets which i think she abused because from then on she almost always seemed stonned. At the end of 1997 our brother left home,she got even worse after that not even bothering to cook most nights and crying in bed of a morning leaving me to get my sister off to school..She had hit rock bottom but i didn't understand,.I still blame myself for what happened that maybe I could have done more,tryed to seek help anything to make it so she was still alive today.I remember when we found out her pain was cause by gallstones she wouldn't have a operation because she didn't want to leave us kids.One  afternoon when she was in her usual position drinking and listening to har favourate sad tunes.I had recently found out she had left a suicide note for my dad (which she had done a few times before) I told her to take a break and do something for herself and not to kill herself.She looked me straight in the eyes and said "You kids are my life and I would never leave you"

NEVER SAY NEVER

My mother died of an overdose in our family home in Feburary 1997,She was 38. My sister and I were at our fathers house for the weekend and my brother was at his girlfriends house.                                                                        It was 2 days before my sisters then 11th birthday.I was 15 and my brother was 17.Unfortunately it was my brother who found her,my father was bringing my sister and I home and were 5mins away when we got the call. When we got home our father ordered us to stay in the car were we saw out brother crying out the front.When we asked him what was going on he just kept shacking his head crying over and over "Just stay in the car" Then came the sirens slowly getting louder and I knew they were for her.Still sitting in the car my sister and I watched as the ambulance officers arrive then saw our father walk to the house across the road and return with our neighbour we were told to go with her and to wait,we weren't told a thing.               

My sister and and I were at the neighbours for over an hour untill my father finally returned,the only words he could muster for us girls was "Shes gone".Our brother came a short time later and finally filled us in.She had overdosed on medication the night before.The last memory I have  of that day was looking out  from the neighbours window watching the coroner take my mother away in a body bag.

 The day we found her

by me at age 15 

I wrote alot of poetry the year she died and will publish it on a seperate page > poetry of sadness  It will give you some understanding about how i felt and I how I was dealing with the tragic loss of my mum.I will also publish a few from my mothers scapbooks.Unfortunately when she died I gave them to one of her sisters,she promised to return them but 9 years on she still refuses to do so. Although I told her I knew exactly what my mother wrote about I feel she is trying to protect her family from the truth inside. 

Contacting Me

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